My Parker Pen
After three games of monopoly, tumbling towers and reading a dozen books, it was still afternoon. My ears and mouth cried for rest, and my head for some quiet time. I took out the painting kit, hoping to engage the younger one. She took the bait and started painting. I had just won a discussion with my older one on why we should learn multiplication tables even if we have a calculator at home. She was finally doing her math. I opened my laptop to get some work done. I got so engrossed in my work that I did not realize something was off. The room had suddenly gone silent. To a parent, silence when kids are around always means trouble is brewing elsewhere. I stopped my work and listened. I could hear a scratching noise from the hall. I walked in that direction and saw my kids huddled under the dining table, scribbling on the wall with my Parker pen.
It was my favourite pen, a gift from a loved one on my birthday. Seeing them use it on the wall got my temper rising. I snatched the pen from my younger one’s hand and shouted, ‘Shreshta, why did you use my pen on the wall? Pens are for writing on paper and not the wall.’ I gave her and the older one sitting next to her a cold stare and stormed out of the hall fuming to continue my work. Five minutes later, Shreshta came in and stood beside my table. With a very sad face in a voice that was almost close to tears she said, ‘Amma, when angry, I scared.’ I did not understand. With an irritated voice I asked her to speak up. She tried again, ‘Amma, when you are angry, I get scared. Don’t be angry.’ I was stunned. I had no idea my three year old could form complete sentences and use words like scared. My older one came and stood next to her and said, ‘Amma, why are you not being polite? She is just a child. She is still learning. Why were you so harsh with her?’ My eyes grew wider in surprise.
What is this new language my kids were talking? The language of my younger one was usually tears and tantrums. When did she learn to identify her feelings and communicate her expectations? The language of the older one was to suppress and get emotional about it in silence. When did she develop the courage to speak her mind and make her case to me? The children were watching me with sad and determined faces as I was thinking these thoughts. I made my decision.
I decided to apologize to them and behave the way I would expect them to. I said to the younger one, ‘Shreshta, what you did with the pen was wrong. Never use it on the wall again. Pens are to be used only on paper. But I am sorry that you got scared by the way I spoke. I will try to do better next time.’ And to my older one, I said, ‘I agree that I could have been a little more polite. I am glad that you were polite in telling me I was wrong. What Shreshta did was wrong, and I feel you should have stopped her from doing it. I think we have learnt our lessons today and can do better.’ The kids apologized and agreed to do better next time and went back to playing.
I opened my laptop to continue my work but I couldn’t shake off the incident. As parents, we try hard to teach them things and guide them to behave in a particular way. Every time they do a wrong, we are quick to point it out and correct them. In our quest to do the best for them, we sometimes go into instruction mode and get emotional. Children tend to be naughty, it is who they are and it is just a phase they will outgrow soon. Getting emotional and worked up about it does not solve anything. Practising patience and reminding ourselves that we are dealing with children helps us to deal with the situation rationally and not emotionally.
I also realised that children are a product of their environment. They learn more from observation than instruction. What they see daily is what goes into them and that is what they become. I usually discuss how I feel about things with them. When I am sad, happy or upset I talk to them about it. Maybe such discussions helped the younger one to identify her feeling and communicate. When they throw temper tantrums, I ask them to express what they want politely without shouting and screaming. Maybe this helped the older one to identify that my behaviour was not acceptable and tell me that I was impolite.
I realized the hard truth of parenting as with everything in life is - what we sow is what we reap. And the sowing happens through observation. Role modelling the expected behaviour is the easiest way to make them follow it.
My parker pen was always a cherished possession and today it has become a cherished realisation and experience. Happy parenting!
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