Whispers

I saw a face, round and fair. It looked back at me with twinkling eyes and a loving smile. I was mesmerised, captivated by the beauty. Who is this person, so happy and peaceful? She reminds me of the spring breeze carrying the fragrance of freshly bloomed flowers. She reminds me of the smell of earth after a shower of rain. She reminds me of a cup of hot chocolate on a gloomy, rainy day. Yes, that blissful happiness. She reminds me of life and what it is to be happy and alive. I stood there transfixed, unable to take my eyes off her, taking her all in. I captured the moment forever in my memory, cherishing and feeling one with her. Suddenly a doubt crept in, what if she left abruptly, without a word or a smile? My heart started racing, I wanted so much from her. I wanted to talk to her, touch her, hold her, listen to her, feel with her and know her. I looked again, bringing all these emotions into my eyes, I asked, ‘Hi there, who are you?'

There she stood, looking stressed, tired and sad. Her solemn face searching desperately far and wide. Her eyes filled with deep pain, needed nothing but attention. She let out a gasp when our eyes met. It was our first time, I trembled, wondering, did she not like me? Her shock turned into surprise, then admiration and settled to fascination. I watched this drama playing out on her face. My heart skipping a beat and almost near my mouth. She kept looking at me, unblinking, nostalgic and curious. I could feel a strong yearning in her eyes, a compelling desire to reach out to me, to know me, to talk to me. I heaved a sigh of relief. A warmth rose in my heart and the spread to my cheeks. My otherwise fair face was turning pink. I had waited long for this moment.  I had spent every single day sending out millions of prayers hoping she would pause, wishing she would notice me. Today when she looked into my eyes, with so much of longing and asked me, ‘who are you?’ it felt like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Ah, I felt like a peacock dancing in the rain. My wish finally a reality, I felt ecstatic, this is my moment and I was ready to pour my heart to her. To tell her…

Hey girl, you are all that I think of, day and night. I want you to know, you are the most important person in my life. You are the reason I live and breathe. You are the person I want to hug and cherish. I have always been there with you, celebrating all your victories and learning from all the failures. I was there that day, when you were eleven, you cried yourself to sleep over a fight with your best friend. I held you close and whispered, ‘it will all be okay’. I was there with you on that night, your first time in the college hostel. It was your loneliest night thus far. I held you tight when you trembled with fear, silently whispering hope and strength.  I was there when you felt numb after the betrayal of your boyfriend. As tears poured down your cheeks, I kept whispering words of solace.  I was there when you took your very first clumsy step. I was there when you rode your first bicycle. I was there glowing with pride when you graduated. I was there cheering and celebrating when you won the best performer award at work. Yes, I have seen you at your worst and your best. 

Yet you forsake me. I have been your constant companion sailing with you through the tides of life and yet, you ignore me. It pains me every time you search outside. It hurts me to see you crave for attention and plead for recognition. Why do you want to fit into others definition of success? It makes my heart bleed to see you want endorsement from the world outside. It is your happiness, why do you allow the comments of the world affect you? Why do they have so much hold over you? They are strangers to your life, and you are insignificant to them. I lament at your attempts to destroy yourself to fit into the world’s definition of beauty. Your body is the most magnificent thing I have ever seen. Every time you look down at it with sad, hateful eyes, every time you grumble about the extra flab or the pointed nose, I want to ask you, why do you hate it so much. For all that it has done and is still doing for you, why do you abhor it. I drown in anguish every time you look at me with stressful eyes, trying desperately to give your all to a world that will never fully accept you as you are…

Oh, you are so beautiful, you are so wonderful. You have made it so far having won over several odds. You have turned things around, you have triumphed in the most impossible situations. You have pushed yourself beyond your comfort zone, challenged yourself in every possible way. Today you stand tall having put in so much of work and created an identity for yourself. You have to be proud at how far you have come. You have to feel happiness and satisfaction for a life well lived. You have to look forward to the abundant future that awaits you, and yet when you look at me with those stressful eyes, something within me cries, something within me breaks, something within me wants to be heard, to tell you…

I am the whisper from the depth of your heart.

I give you strength,

I give you hope,

I give you confidence,

I give you resilience,

I give you the will to be persistent,

I give you the belief to carry on,

I give you faith,

I am your guardian angel protecting and preserving you,

I am the whisper from the depth of your heart.

Trust me, believe me, give me a chance…

A sharp pain shot across my head. I stumbled for support. My heart grew heavy with sorrow so deep. My entire life flashed before me. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of all my frustrations, expectations, shortcoming, insecurities, tension and stress. I was gasping for breath. It was too much to take. The heaviness was crushing me. My eyes turned moist and cold tears rolled onto my cheeks. I let them flow uninhibited. Something within me whispered to let go. I listened and cried without restrain. I cried for my limiting beliefs, my narrow thinking, my self-inflicted boundaries, my self-created restrictions, that held me back. I cried for all those times I betrayed myself for the world outside. I have been beating myself up, pushing myself, shaming and looking down on myself. For what, I wondered. Was I ever going to satisfy the world? Is it even a desire worth chasing?  

For the very first time in several years, I felt light. The weight was lifted from my shoulder. It was as if I was awakened from deep slumber. My whole world seemed different. My eyes were seeing beauty like never before, I could hear the sounds of nature like never before, birds chirping, wind gushing, I could feel one with everything. I felt like a dry leaf, floating, gliding, dancing to the tunes of the wind, unrestrained, unapologetic, unchained, uninhibited, finally free. I could feel a thrill filling my heart as it rejoiced elated and euphoric. I could hear a whisper, telling me ‘You did well’.

Realisation dawned on me. I felt a sense of pride and an overflowing love towards myself. My heart experienced a peace like never before. A gentle smile danced on my lips as happy tears trickled down from my eyes. I finally recognized, accept and cherish you. That beautiful, loving, happy face looking back at me... I have found my whisper. I have found myself…

It broke my heart to see her cry. I spread my warmth around her and held her there. I whispered for her to let it all go. I whispered to her to set herself free. I whispered to her to give me a chance. And there… she did, she did it so well. She started to see the world through my eyes, she has found her happiness, she was finally at peace and it dawned on her… She looked at me with happy tears, accepting, cherishing and becoming one… becoming myself!