The forgotten…

It was six o clock, I got out of my bed to welcome another day. I am a person of routine and habits. Discipline and rules are my second nature. It is this strength that has kept me going and brought me this far in life. My day usually starts with brewing a sizzling hot coffee. Inhaling its aroma and sipping it while watching the morning news, undisturbed… ah, sheer bliss. The household usually wakes up after me. I am ready for them, sometimes as a parent, sometimes as an advisor, sometimes a driver, sometimes a gardener and most of the times as a babysitter or just a helping hand. I am anything my children want me to be. I find joy in being part of their life. I feel valued in contributing in my own little ways. 

It was not long ago; I was in a race of my own. Earning and providing for the family. Running behind money to give my children a life far superior than my own. Gathering information and knowledge with the hope to guide my children someday. I never had the time to enjoy the simple things of life. I had to shoulder responsibilities at a very young age. I had to work hard, earn and create a name for myself. I wanted to leave a legacy worthy of inheritance and I strived hard for this goal.

It was that time, when I was the sun, shining bright in my world. Creating, nourishing, nurturing and sustaining life. Every wish, every desire my world had, was met. I sometimes burnt myself to be that unconditional giver to them. The times when I would forego buying clothes for myself, so my children can wear new ones for festivals are still fresh in my memory. It was also the time when my wish was a command. Everything I said was valued and heard. Nothing in my world happened without my consent. From the simplest thing like what to cook, what to buy, to life choices like where to study and which job to take… in all of it, I had a say. The world revolved around me. I was the king, the emperor of my world. 

Slowly things began to change. My children grew up and started shouldering responsibilities alongside. They reached heights I never dreamt off. They achieved things that eluded me. I no longer had to sweat and toil like I used to. I felt great pride and joy in watching them grow and evolve. But I also felt this hollow, deep inside me. Things no longer happened only around me. My opinions were heard but not acted upon, decisions were made that I was only informed about. My wish was no longer a command. With mixed emotions I realized that I was not the center of my world.

There is no dearth for comforts, nor for materialistic things. But I feel a subtle undercurrent, an impatience, a hesitancy, an edginess in their communication with me. There is a hint of annoyance while answering my questions. There is a hint of exasperations when I ask for details. There seems to be an invisible line drawn, I am constantly reminded to let go, to not bother and allow freedom. There is a polite reluctance when I insist on routines and demand disciple. Many times, my frustrated expressions, criticisms, advise are silenced with a smile or a hug.

I understand I had run the race of life and it is time to pass on the baton. Slowly I have drifted from being the sun to becoming just another star in the sky. The realisation was shattering, and it was a lot to take. How does a sun adjust to being just another star? How does a king live like a common man? How does one adjust to this change? They tell me this is retired life, that I need to just relax and enjoy. How do I unlearn to be responsible? How do I let go of the protective love I feel for my world? How do I stop myself from looking out for them?

It hit me hard that life has moved on. I struggled to accept and keep up with it. The world has advanced. It is time to allow it to learn from its own mistakes. I have grown old. But this heart of mine is that of an erstwhile sun and it continues to beat for being heard, for being respected, for being valued, for being cherished and for being loved. But in the eyes of the world…

I am a withering rose,

I am a melting cloud,

I am a falling leaf,

I am a drying river,

I am a forgotten melody,

I am just an elder in the house.

An elder, waiting with open arms to share and give until the very last breath, all that I can. 

An elder, not the sun anymore, but still a twinkling star, that the little ones look up to and adore.

An elder, who has found solace in the hugs, kisses, innocence and love of their grandchildren.

An elder, fading away in time…